Profound Trivialities

Exag.

2007-11-30T22:32:00.000+08:00

Last Thursday, I was trying to laugh out the fear out of my system. My mom was updating me, calling long-distance, about the walk-out of Oakwood mutineers and stand-off in the Manila Peninsula. And then it was taking too long. Outside, while it was raining and we were having our ice cream, we saw two truck loads of military men going to the hotel.

At around 3.30 p.m., my officemates were saying that we could and should be sent home early. At around 4 p.m., we all had a Business Continuity Plan meeting in our division. At past 4p.m., we heard gun shots. I started panicking.

I got home, walked through the rain in haste. People were rushing out of the office and Makati City. I was texting people non-stop. Three or four at a time. "How are you's" and "I'm ok's". I stopped by at the TV at our apartment lobby and watched how a tank rammed into the Manila Peninsula, the Christmas decorations slowly falling from the door frame. A shame.

I was completely apalled. Obviously, people from the inside, although they were military personnel themselves, were not really showing real physical threat. Why the need for gun shots? Or for tanks? Why the extreme show of military force for a mere 30 to 50 people inside the hotel, some of whom were civilians.

It was an exaggeration on the part of the government. There wasn't really any reason for that much destruction. It was like a message even for those who were mere onlookers--US. Never TRY the government. Never try to question. It was military power in secret.

So probably there was no declaration of martial rule, but in essence we are under the pain of military attack every time there's a slight attack to the current administration.

I am not for any hasty actions. Honestly, I am against what the government is doing. How they address every bit of challenge to their power. I am against their standoffish attitude. I hate the way they think they can never be questioned, that they are always right no matter how they too make drastic actions. They do not respect due process or proportionate response. In whatever way, the attack was not appropriate. Did the people inside fire guns? Did they pose physical threat? In reality, the people at the side of the government were the threat.

I pity the men who stood for their beliefs, no matter how drastic their actions were. The fight did not last long for them. I pity them because they have to give way in order to lessen the destruction. I pity them because they do not have any chance against the government's machinery.

What of honor? A walk-out from a court of justice. People staring blankly at the invitation to join the rally. A PNP officer laughed at after failing to enter the sieged hotel. A tank unceremoniously rammed against a premier hotel. A senator handcuffed and being pulled by his waistband. Curfew imposed on Metro Manila.

The drama of the Filipino people. Both laughable and frustrating. Again to become the topic of a series of jokes. Again to be the topic of world news. The real curfew on our lives has not been lifted. We are all still tied to our seats until this political farce is ended.

The horror: Arroyo pardons Erap

2007-10-26T10:35:00.000+08:00

October 26, 2007
A waste of time

I was shocked when I passed by a newspaper stand this morning and read the bold headline: Arroyo pardons Estrada. Although a pardon was actually expected, from public-approval-seeking Arroyo, I was at least hoping it wouldn’t take this fast. Or easy. I only read the news article that Erap was seeking pardon at the start of the week.

What ploy are they playing on the Filipino people? It’s like lawyers fighting for the Filipino people were duped into playing the dirty game of politics for 6 long years only to have their victory overturned at the whim of a fickle President. I cannot believe that it would come easily. It’s as if justice, rule of law, forgiveness no longer has meaning for it to be discarded or given away so easily.

For some reason, I find that Arroyo’s move was more to save-face than to sincerely pardon a 70-year old convict. Honestly, it is a means for her to woo the mass and the opposition. For how can a President seeking to be legitimized in terms of her work and public opinion pardon someone she has supposedly legally taken the office from. If she does not at least seek admission of guilt, she is accepting that her legitimacy is questionable—for why take the office from someone who has been wronged and should have been able to complete his term. And how can an ex-President seek pardon from the very person who he does not recognize as President and who he continues to question and fight against? It’s a mockery of sense and logic!

Erap continually labels himself President, and so does his people, as seen in his letter to Arroyo. After the request was publicized, he came out saying he just bowed down to his lawyer’s wisdom, knowing that his chances of getting through with the judicial system is small. His very disrespect to the rule of law and due process, his lack of faith in justice, only proves that he just wants out. Nothing else.

In the letter, his lawyers said that in Erap’s desire to serve the greater good of the Filipinos (paraphrased), he is seeking pardon so that as a free citizen, he can better serve the country. Really. After cordoning off millions for himself, he continually sought favors as a former high official. I do not even think he truly grasped the gravity of his faults. He was, for most of his “incarceration”, held on house arrest in his sprawling Tanay property. His numerous requests are almost too easily approved. It’s frustrating. How can you jog into his ageing mind that he abused the country and should pay for it?

Arroyo’s apparent disregard, nay, disrespect for the rule of law is appalling, disgusting! It frustrates me to see how she can get away with things that are clearly just deceptive maneuvers. She has actually gotten so good at it that it’s frustrating to see how tired Filipinos has just gotten to shaking their heads in disbelief rather than fight against her. It’s tiring to see her blamed for so many things but not pay for it.

How can these people live with themselves? How can they truly believe in what they’re doing? they’ve been very selfish to think that getting away with things cannot affect a multitude of other people? How can they think that they’re doing these things FOR people when truly, they’re the only ones benefiting from it?

What do we get with a President who acts on whim and continually only does things to seek approval? What do we get from the pardon of a convict who has apparently no sense of regret or remorse? We continually live in the muck that these politicians have made out of the Philippines, why do we thrive in it? why do we pretend that things are ok? Why have we become too tired to fight? Have we lost all sense of national pride? right now, it’s so hard to love the Philippines when it can be represented by the so-called leaders of our country who can make a fool out of all of us by their fancy words and play-acting. Truly, the politics of the land has turned into one very long and excruciatingly shameful farce. How do we end it? is there still hope? or have we all been blinded by the muck that our very own complacency created? We are not helpless. We are not hopeless. We just don’t know we can make one more stand together to make things work. we’ve seen previous efforts fall, others have succeeded but now long forgotten. but we can still make another push, another effort to work against those that take us for fools. Please, let’s not give up.

How to draw a dog.

2007-09-26T21:35:00.002+08:00

It’s been a long time, actually. A friend of mine asked if I could draw some animals for her in different yoga poses, for a t-shirt design she’s been brewing for a while. Since she really didn’t give any deadline, I was taking my time and actually postponing having to do it.

I realized today, when I was trying to draw the animals that I don’t know how to draw animals! At all! I can’t even picture their important features right now! So I searched for some how-to’s over the internet and tried to do some doodling. I did a few poses and actually finished my sausage sketches of a dog, cat, monkey and frog!

Just right now, I got a vision of what a funny, cartoony dog in a bending yoga pose would look like and I tried to put it in paper. It’s a good start for my project, don’t you think? And a good enough sketch too, for the shirt design.

New Life Quest

2007-09-26T21:35:00.001+08:00

September 25, 2007

I realized that I have to do something with my life if I want it to be worth while. I know I should have realized this a long time ago, while I was wasting precious time being bored and staring out into space.

So today, I am starting with a Life Quest. Some kind of personal project. A really inspired mission, I admit. Starting today, no matter how small, I will try to do something new. Taste new food, try something more difficult, learn about a country or culture, read up on something I wouldn’t have thought of before, make a new friend, make a first move, surprise myself, surprise someone else. Anything new, anything that would make me think, act, reach out, jog my brain or my usually lazy ass. And then, immortalize my ventures and write them down. I am truly excited!

Wicked

2007-09-24T20:33:00.002+08:00

It was May 5, I remember perfectly because, quite obviously, it was Cinco de Mayo festival in New York then. My friend and I were walking around waiting for another friend to come for a visit. It was a free day in New York for us tourers before our concert the next day. After visiting a Strands bookstore branch, we walked around and saw a street sale with different kinds of trinkets, apparently in celebration of Cinco de Mayo. In one kiosk was an all-Wicked merchandise. I’ve heard little about the play but was more than intrigued to get a copy of the original Broadway recording so we got a copy each and even had free pins to go with that! We had a quick Thai lunch just off another store and ate hurriedly.

That was my third brush with Wicked. The first was when I was in Pennsylvania visiting my cousin and her family. I learned that my niece was part of the Wicked cast in their school. Every now and then I’d hear bits and pieces about the story, that it was a prequel to the Wonderful Wizard of Oz, way before Dorothy came to the Emerald City. The second instance that piqued my interest was when a friend bought a book, the one that inspired the play. I heard snippets about the story, he was just starting to read.

So last year, buying the Wicked CD was like out of curiosity. I barely knew the song Defying Gravity. Unlike when I started to like Avenue Q, I’ve already heard reviews about the play and heard the whole soundtrack! I didn’t have time to listen to the Wicked CD all through out the tour and even weeks after we’re already back in Manila so when a friend borrowed it, I willingly gave it to him. More than a year has passed and it was only recently that I remembered to look for it and that it was finally given back. And now I’m mesmerized.

I’ve been listening to it over and over again, for the past days. A new found love. Maybe some day soon I’ll get to see it live too. I have falled in love with its music and lyrics! The humor, the stories of heartbreaks and triumphs and the underlying messages of friendship, loyalty, faith and love. I can’t believe I’ve let a year pass before I allowed myself to be immersed in their world. It’s such a beautiful musical.

I’ve recently come across YouTube videos, in around 15 parts, I think, featuring the original Broadway cast on stage. I’ve only started watching and am awaiting to be enthralled. The speaking parts can get a bit muddled, but it’s a visual extravaganza. I hope there’d come a time when I can personally experience watching it too. No loathing, unadulterated loathing for this one at all!

p.s. it just amazed me that in the original Broadway cast, Glinda (Kristin Chenoweth) was also the girl Maria in the Bewitched movie starring Nicole Kidman. She was too good for the movie! Seriously!

Breaking Down

2007-09-24T20:33:00.001+08:00

Last Friday, I was at my worst. I guess only my sister knew what really happened or what brought me down again. A case of why them and why not me? Or what else is there for me to do? Even of do I not deserve better?

For some reason, I think I’ve been in this rut for the longest time ever and I can’t help but look for people or things to blame. I have been trying to do what I can do, I know I have tried to be more specific with what I have been praying and asking for. I know that for the past few I have been truly unhappy that I have tried to do as much as I can. But my resources are so limited that most of the time all I can do is wait. Mostly sulk and even drown in self-pity. And it gets tiring having to go through this vicious cycle of ok to rotten.

I am trying to figure out what life is telling me. Why it seems to bring me deeper into something I have clearly said I do not want. I have been trying to find what I truly love, but it has been elusive. Painfully elusive.

Waiting is the most often and most heartbreaking answer to one’s prayer. I don’t know if I can stand getting that answer again. And I don’t know, really, what I can do about it.

I am angry, yes. But most often, I am just frustrated. And tired. I do not want to give in just because I can no longer wait. I need to find a reason to believe that there is still hope. But where and how… I do not know. I am totally at a loss here.

Ow! (and Yech!)

2007-09-24T20:31:00.000+08:00

Last Saturday I had to face what I have been trying to postpone for the longest time… having my wisdom tooth extracted. Actually, it was more of a nuisance than out of fear. And also because that would mean spending money I could use somewhere else. My sister just had her tooth extracted too, some months or weeks ago. And she did say it was just a short ordeal. Nothing to worry about then, I said to myself. so after having my X-ray and having that examined, I scheduled for the surgery.

The “easy” part was all a sham. First off, the x-ray proved to be misleading. I guess partly because it was blurred which may have made the tooth appear “easily removable” when, exactly opposite, it was in the most difficult position for extraction. I had my arm tested with the anesthesia to see if I wasn’t allergic and after 15 minutes, I was cleared. We started around 2:30 in the afternoon, with only the bright afternoon sun as light in the room. So with my mouth half-numb, I opened up. Apparently for a 3-hour (not the expected 30 minutes) ordeal. Thrice they had to put anesthesia because I’ve started to feel pain in my gums. I was getting teary-eyed both from tiredness and frustration (God! Please let them pull the tooth out! I was silently shouting in my head.) Even the doctors were starting to give up. The tooth was coming out in pieces. It was already nearly 6 p.m. (I later learned) and the afternoon soon has begun its fast descent. When the doctor was ready to give up, one last push and out came the stubborn root. Thank goodness. The bits and pieces of my broken wisdom tooth, all bloody and wet, was on the dentist’s table. I didn’t want any remembrance of that day.

With still half of my mouth and tongue numb, I mumbled a dozen thank yous to my dentists. It was a looong day for all of us and I’m sure they’d be heading for a quick dinner and long sleep after that.

An hour and a half to go still before we reached home. Around 30 minutes into the rocky ride, the anesthesia has started to wear off. I was at the back of the van where I can feel all the bumps and swerves of the road but I was determined to stay as far away from the others. Alone with the throbbing pain of my gums. I realized that as soon as the anesthesia wore off, I can also feel the painful pricks of where the needle was stuck, close to my throat. So I can’t even swallow. I almost used up a whole role of tissue to wipe off saliva. The glands were overactive that night! I can now taste blood and Betadine. I can even feel the surgical thread with my tongue. The pain began to be unbearable, I can’t stop from crying. I even snapped at my sister because I had to shout what I was saying, which was hard for me to do.

Today, the swelling has gone down to a did-you-just-gain-weight-on-your-face or candy-in-mouth size. Which is actually bearable. But I still can’t open my jaw well and have to push it small bit of pasta in my mouth. Can’t chew as much, because my jaw gets tired easily too. I’m hoping for a full recovery by the end of the week, when I no longer have to take antibiotics and my dad finally gets to remove the surgical thread in my mouth. Yey!

I feel like a new person! And I’m not exaggerating. I say that only because I have never had to endure that much physical pain in my life, or at least I don’t remember anything worse than that. I’ll be trying to make that the last one.

P.S. right after the surgery, I also had my ears pierced, at last! Just one ear, because the piercing in my left ear is still good. I’m wearing kiddie hypo-allergening earrings of my birthstone—topaz—today!

Avenue Q

2007-09-24T20:26:00.000+08:00

Finally after a year or so of learning about the famous play, and playing its soundtrack over and over in my CD player and then iPod, Avenue Q has come to life! The first time I heard about it, they were holding auditions for puppeteers and actors last February and back then, the play date was rumored to be August. I was so excited I had to text my friends about it, friends who shared the same fascination I had on the play. And around summer time, we heard that Rachel Alejandro, Frenchie Dy and Aiza Seguerra were to top-bill the show. I was a bit skeptical, thinking the producers were just milking on the famous names, but boy was I in for a surprise!

After more than a year of singing with Kate and Princeton and the rest of the Avenue Q gang, I was more than eager to see “faces”, visuals to bring to life what I have only heard in my head. And there it was, right in front of me, Avenue Q with its 3-building, 2 storey façade. I was mesmerized. Despite the fact that we were far up in the balcony, the excitement couldn’t have been lesser than those who afforded the orchestra seats. We were in for the experience, and the Philippine cast delivered wonderful.

I have to say that Rachel Alejandro has never surprised me this much. I was astounded beyond my wits. Oh yes, she was a great singer back in her days. And she was a great Mimi in Rent, some few years ago. But the way she brought Kate to life and then switched flawlessly to Lucy the Slut was beyond me! She was truly fascinating, as both characters. Her voice was truly beautiful, soft and “innocent” Kate to domineering and woman-of-the-world Lucy. The shifts were seamless.

I would have to laud Joel Trinidad who played numerous characters, all so convincingly: Trekky Monster (he was truly hilarious); Nikky (who couldn’t forgive him with that cute naivete?); and the male Bad Idea Bear (I’d drink to that!).

And for the slightly newbie theatre actor (I say slightly because I’ve read in the book that he has performed in many other plays, but I’ve only heard of him for the first time here in Avenue Q), Felix Rivera , I’m totally amused! The boy has great talent! Not that I’m an expert, but he does a really awesome Princeton, the wide-eyed new grad to Rod, the closet gay Republican. He’s amazing as both but he made me guffaw more in his puppeteering of Rod. He’s just a total riot.

I don’t know if this is the first play for Ms. Aiza Seguerra, but he does a good Gary Coleman. Sometimes though she’s just all-grins and on her arms-on-hips poses. It gets a little awkward.

My gosh, Frenchie Dy is a wonderful soprano. She makes a mean Christmas Eve, I tell you! But my sister did notice though that she had to distinguish between just consciously switching her l’s and r’s and getting the accent right. It wasn’t too convincing at times.

Of course, I couldn’t help but hum along. Every song I knew by heart, yes, even the raunchy ones. Cringe in slight embarrassment at the full puppet nudity of “You can be as loud as the hell you want when your making love…” or cry at “You gotta go after the things you want while you’re still in your prime. There’s a fine fine line…” or reminisce with “I wish I could go back to college…”. Even decide whether to be hopeful or fearful that things are only “For now.” And it was such a beautiful feeling to see and not just hear being played and sung. That made it more than special! It was a dream come true!

All in all, I would say that the Philippine run was a success. I should say so because the theatre was packed, the audience was reeling in uncontrollable laughter, the cast was great! Even the 15-minute intermission announcement came as a funny surprise. The effort! Gotta love the show, really! Whether down at the orchestra to way up in the balcony, it was an experience to remember.

Prayer to Saint Anthony of Padua

2007-08-13T23:37:00.001+08:00

Saint for Lost Things

Glorious Saint Anthony, for centuries you have exercised the God-given power to find what was lost. Help me to recover God's grace and make me zealous in the service of God and in the practice of virtue. Let me find whatever I have lost, thus showing me the presence of your goodness.
(Our Father, Hail Mary, Glory be)

Let us pray

Saint Anthony, glorious servant of God, famous for your merits and powerful miracles, help us to find what was lost, give us help during moments of trial and enlighten our minds in the search for God's will. Help us to find once again the life of grace, which our sin destroyed, and lead us to the glory promised to us by our Saviour. We ask this through Christ our Lord, Amen.

i really do need my thumb drive back...

til when

2007-08-13T23:31:00.000+08:00

early today, i woke up groggy but excited. a bit apprehensive but eager. i was on my way to take an exam for a potential new employer. i was hoping i could skip the exam part, but well, i should already get used to it. in a span of 6 months, i have already taken 3 exams, all for different reasons. i've had a dozen interviews. turned down 2 offers, been turned down by one, postponed another. then here's another one, another first step, another trial.

i've been trying to figure out my life for the past year. or maybe even the span of 6 years or so that i have been working--supposedly earning and living on my own.

life could be tougher, i know. but it could be sweeter too.

i remember when we take up those magazine quizzes, my friends always end up in the middle--not too adventurous not too boring. middle is safe, but safe can be bland.

til when...

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes!

2007-08-09T19:46:00.000+08:00

lately there's been a lot moving, changing, comings and goings. no, not only in my life but in lot of my friends' lives.

an officemate has bid adieu after only two years (or just almost?) in the bank. she moved to a night-shift kind of job in an american company, down the road from where we are. lucky? i would say yes for having been able to move out but no for taking the gruelling schedule.

two friends have lost loved ones, both to painful illnesses. unfortunately, i wasn't able to personally give them my hearfelt condolences. they're back in the loop, obviously shaken, but strong.

a friend got married last weekend and i was witness to their wonderful union. the wedding was intimate, despite the 200++ guests around, because i could see that these people were truly very close friends and relatives of the couple. when we arrived at the church, the bride was already there, with a big smile on her face, inside a very cool silver (do i remember right?) MiniCooper. a lovely day!

my friends and i moved up a few blocks from our old apartment to our new mid-rise condominium(so i recently learned). the moving was tedious and literally back-breaking. we are now (4 days later) slowly getting into the groove of things (our commute to work, time to wake up, getting used to the walks)and enjoying every bit of it.

there were a few low moments, yes, but change has always been my upper. maybe the move and the small changes around are appetizers to the bigger changes we've been waiting for so long.

we'll see.

I live with a VILLAINess (oh.dear.gad.)

2007-06-19T00:56:00.001+08:00

Your results:
My sister is Dr. Doom

Dr. Doom		75%
Lex Luthor		64%
Mr. Freeze		64%
Apocalypse		57%
Venom		54%
Two-Face		52%
The Joker		50%
Kingpin		49%
Juggernaut		48%
Mystique		48%
Dark Phoenix		45%
Magneto		44%
Green Goblin		44%
Riddler		37%
Catwoman		25%
Poison Ivy		24%

Blessed with smarts and power but burdened by vanity.

Click here to take the Supervillain Personality Quiz

Sis' version

2007-06-19T00:49:00.000+08:00

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

Amazing Connie

2007-06-18T23:56:00.000+08:00

My Visual DNA

2007-06-16T23:59:00.000+08:00

at last i was able to complete it! thanks orangegit!
try it too!

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

Feeling...

2007-06-16T22:54:00.000+08:00

Interior designer
My family (all four of us) did a major spring cleaning today! Some guests are coming over to stay for next 10 days starting Friday next week. I did a lot of carrying and wiping, fixing and refixing, moving and removing. I actually enjoyed the whole tiresome redecoration of the house. Nothing fancy. Just moved a lot of stuff around and made the place feel bigger and homier.

Toughie
With barely 3 hours of sleep, I actually ran on adrenaline the whole day. NOn-stop work with my sister. But we're glad with how the house looks now, so no complaints there.

Graphic Artist
Nope,haven't done any designing. In fact, I've only been able to face my laptop tonight, so far it has just been 10 minutes. I haven't even tried preparing stuff for the presentations expected from me. I am just anticipating the new addition to my "investments". I'm excited because my sister is excited. I can almost taste it now. Hopefully everything goes well.

Sleepy
The tiredness is slowly creeping in. Body aches, fatigue... I think it's finally time to savour the toils of the day and sleep in our spacious room.

Walang Ibang Hangad

2007-06-13T21:13:00.000+08:00

Get this widget!

49% VENOM

2007-05-25T21:54:00.001+08:00

yey! eddie brock.i love topher grace.for a while there i was happy i'm 49% VENOM. if only to be 49% closer to topher grace.

pathetic? hehehehe.

Which Super Villain Are You? I AM...

2007-05-25T21:41:00.000+08:00

Your results:
You are Dark Phoenix

Dark Phoenix		57%
Juggernaut		53%
The Joker		51%
Venom		49%
Mystique		49%
Riddler		48%
Apocalypse		45%
Mr. Freeze		44%
Dr. Doom		42%
Poison Ivy		41%
Kingpin		41%
Lex Luthor		39%
Magneto		38%
Catwoman		32%
Two-Face		29%
Green Goblin		25%

A prime example of emotional extremes: Passion and fury incarnate.

Click here to take the Super Villain Personality Test

El Labirinto del Fauno

2007-05-02T19:24:00.001+08:00

I read it about a month or two ago in the newspapers and being the fantasy-story fan that I am, I was keen on watching the movie. Pan’s Labyrinth was described as an adult fairytale. It promised of gruesome creatures, of darkness, and situated in the dark times of the Spanish War. The story spoke of parallel worlds: the real world at the time of the war and the world of a Princess Moanna. These two worlds magically cross through Ofelia, new step-daughter to a cruel Spanish Captain and believed to be the lost Princess Moanna. Pan is the almost sweet, mostly creepy faun who guards the entrance to the kingdom, found underground, through a labyrinth just outside the mill of Ofelia’s new family.
I cringed everytime the Captain killed and tortured the guerillas. He was more terrible than the Pale Man whose eyes were in eyesockets in his hands. He was more filthy than the giant bull frog which regurgitated dead roaches.
It was a rather dark story for a fairytale, and in the end we were left to choose the real world as against the fantasy world. As if we were asked to make a choice. In fairytales, we were made to believe that fantastical creatures coexist with the world we know of. Harry Potter or the Chronicles or Narnia, even the stories of Spiderman and Superman tell that to us. But in this case, we were made to say that it was all in Ofelia’s imagination. We could have just accepted that the two worlds existed and that Ofelia’s ultimate sacrifice was her entry into her own kingdom at last. But the brutality of reality held us back, and the cynical adults that we were thrusted the fantasy world into the wild imaginings of a desperate child.
It made me think however if I were Ofelia, would I have believed the Faun who said I bore the soul of their lost princess? Or would I have gone to a psychiatrist to have my head checked? We’ve become too immersed in the world, that we’ve become so used to choose the dark from light. We think that with so much muck in the world, we do not deserve the pony. We have become too used to the muck to even think there’s something beautiful in it. Or that we have the power to create beauty.
Could I say with finality that fauns are not real and that fairies are mere creations for children’s bedtime stories? Could I say with resignation that I believe more in the evil that exists than in the hope of goodness? I guess my wondering and my fascination for fantasies have led me to believe in the surreal and supernatural. I believe everything’s possible.

I want them to say they go through it too

2007-04-25T16:56:00.001+08:00

Had a loooong chat with my sister and friend last Friday about our (non-existent) love life. We had so many questions. Although we were saying “exactly!” dozens of times during the night, we were not close to answering any of these questions. We were merely amazed at how we’ve all been thinking the same things as to the why’s and how’s of our love lives. It was a heavy night—humid and painfully distressing. We were confirming to each other how pathetic our wanderings and wonderings have been. How sometimes our questions have led to insecurities, questioning our own self worth.

We’re doing pretty well, mind you. We’ve had our own tastes on the good life—travelling, gadgets, we knew our fads and we’ve taken our pick on what to follow, jobs (may not have been ideal but we’re blessed still to have them), careers, professions (different things, I believe). But what of this lack in romantic relationships have led us to thinking that we’re deficient? Or that there’s something wrong?

I don’t think it would be a matter of ego to say that we’ve fared better than others. It is a matter of fact. But I don’t think there’s really any guessing as to why things are working differently for us. Why some of our friends have had boyfriends since gradeschool (ok, highschool). Why some can change relationships in a blink of an eye. Why some can stay in a bad relationship, cry over it, and end up in a similar situation after. Why some are fortunate to be already married, with kids.

But what has success have to do with love? Having a job, being a professional, having an advocacy? If these can bring me circles of people I can meet and where I can find my one true love, then maybe there is a connection, but a very thin line at that. I can not and would never really try to understand this thing called love. Love that we’re both eager and afraid to have. What of it can make me feel wanted and at the same time rejected? What of it makes me want to embrace life and shun the rest of the world?

I only want to hear them, single MEN, say that they’re going through this too. I don’t think it’s fair that single women have a monopoly on this overthinking of love. We’ve allowed ourselves space to distress over these thoughts… I was just wondering, do they do that too?

In a good place

2007-04-23T11:52:00.001+08:00

Last weekend, we just stayed in. we slept through most of Saturday and Sunday. We just watched videos, ate delivered food, did some errands. It was a peaceful weekend.

For the past 9 or so months I’ve become so used to being so busy. Every evening, I was either busy with my digital arts class assignments or practices with my choir. When I had free days, I would usually spend it catching up on my readings—books I’ve bought months early but have failed to pick up. I slept through lunch hours and jeepney rides. I was too exhausted and always in a hurry.

I’m not complaining. No. far from that, actually. Those past months were my happiest. I know I’ve come a long way from being just the dreamer I was before things started picking up. I’ve come to terms with what I want to do and become.

But I’m thankful too that after having finished classes last February and finally passing my last requirements last week, I’ve freed up 3 weeknights to enjoy the things I’ve missed. Time with my sister and friends, reading a good book (I’m reading the Harry Potter books again!), listening to good music, fixing piles of files that have accumulated for months of busyness. I finally have time to clean up and prepare for the next steps I would have to take. So far though, I’m trying to just enjoy the slow time, when I don’t have to sleep late or rush work.

I’m in a good place right now. With myself and with people around me. I’m enjoying this ME time. I still have my fears, insecurities, but it’s all right. it’s all right. I’m putting my records on now.

(Corinne Bailey Rae, Put Your Records On)

Three little birds, sat on my window.
And they told me I don't need to worry.
Summer came like cinnamon
So sweet,
Little girls double-dutch on the concrete.

Maybe sometimes,
we got it wrong, but it's alright
The more things seems to change,
The more stay the same.
Oh, don't you hesitate.

Girl, put your records on,
tell me your favourite song
You go ahead, let your hair down
Sapphire and faded jeans,
I hope you get your dreams,
Just go ahead, let your hair down.

You're gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow.

Blue as the sky, sombre and lonely,
Sipping tea in the bar by the road side,
(just relax, just relax)
Don't you let those other boys fool you,
Gotta love that awful hairdo.

Maybe sometimes, we feel afraid,
but it's alright
The more you stay the same,
the more they seem to change.
Don't you think it's strange?

Girl, put your records on,
tell me your favourite song
You go ahead, let your hair down
Sapphire and faded jeans,
I hope you get your dreams,
Just go ahead, let your hair down.

You're gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow.

Just more than I could take,
pity for pity's sake
Some nights kept me awake,
I thought that I was stronger
When you gonna realise,
that you don't even have to try any longer.
Do what you want to.

Girl, put your records on,
tell me your favourite song
You go ahead, let your hair down
Sapphire and faded jeans,
I hope you get your dreams,
Just go ahead, let your hair down.

Girl, put your records on,
tell me your favourite song
You go ahead, let your hair down
Sapphire and faded jeans,
I hope you get your dreams,
Just go ahead, let your hair down.

Oh, You're gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow.

JASON MRAZ wisdom

2007-04-21T15:28:00.000+08:00

Beauty in Ugly (OST: Ugly Betty)

She’s so big hearted
But not so remarkable
Just an ordinary humble girl
Expecting nothing as we’re made to think
It’s a pretty person’s world
But you are beautiful
And you better go show it
So go look again
You gotta be true to your own
If you really wanna go to the top
Do you really wanna win
Don’t believe in leaving normal
Just to satisfy demand
Well if you wanna get free
And if you wanna do the passionate thing
And if you wanna get smart
For the sake of your heart and all
You should own your name
And stand up tall and get real
And see the beauty in ugly
Well you are fresh
Your face is fabulous
Don’t forget you’re one of a kind
When nobody’s checking the deeds you’ve done
And nobody’s hearing your cries
You make all the fashion statements
Just by dressing up your mind
And if you wanna get free
And if you wanna do the passionate thing
And if you wanna get smart
For the sake of your heart and all
You should own your name
And stand up tall and get real
And see the beauty in ugly
See the beauty in ugly
Well if you wanna get free
And if you wanna do the passionate thing
And if you wanna get smart
For the sake of your heart and all
You should own your name
And stand up tall and get real
And see the beauty in ugly

starting over

2007-04-10T16:08:00.000+08:00

i am waiting for that time when i can look back and say i can close a chapter in my life with peace in my heart and start over.

the past few years have been wonderful. i've been blessed with experiences i know have taught me a lot about patience, relationships, fear and conquering fear, anger and overcoming anger. i am ready to move on.

i don't think i should be complaining, as i've often done. looking back, i had a good 6 years of post-college life. i've met lots of people i've learned to love and cherish from different circles i've been able to join. my life, compared to a few friends, would not be exactly one you'd call exciting but i guess i'm ok. I AM OK. i think i've overlooked the fact that i have had so many blessings and i've been preoccupied with what i'm not compared to others that i've missed the whole point of enjoying what i have.

i am ready to move on though. i am trying to open my self up to bigger things. i think i'm ready. i wish the world can see that too.

to take a chance on me. as i am ready to take a chance on the world.

Self-preservation

2007-03-24T20:35:00.002+08:00

I can’t believe the news I read this morning! “Arroyo: I experienced hunger too in last 3 months(http://newsinfo.inquirer.net/breakingnews/nation/view_article.php?article_id=56430)
An SWS survey came out saying that one in every 5 Filipinos today experience hunger. Arroyo goes on to say that the survey asked “Did you miss one meal during the last three months?” Which I highly doubt. Such surveys are not meant to put anyone in a bad light, I mean, supposedly, the science of survey tries to lessen the uncontrollable variables through the question itself. With such a broad question, the survey would not be able to achieve anything. Everything’s not about having a political agenda, Ms. Arroyo.
The gall of comparing herself to the Filipinos. To the point of saying that those who answered the survey are not really in need or hungry, because even the rich, like herself, miss a meal or two too. Come on! You really believe what you’re saying?
Just to save ass, how low can you get?
Of course the survey meant to capture the meaning of “involuntary hunger”. These people who said a resounding yes to the question meant that they missed meals because they can’t afford to buy a meal. They would rather work than eat, so that the rest of their family can eat. They have nothing to eat because they were not able to scrounge for food, wherever they could do the scrounging. They missed 1, 2 or 3 main meals not because they were on a diet. Not because their conscience is killing them and they’ve lost all appetite to eat from the table that could feed thousands. Or to eat the food that money from corruption bought. Their conscience is clear, as well as their stomachs. Real, physical hunger that pains the body, dulls the mind, weakens and kills. What in hell can you see there that’s the same in your situation?
For years, your government has been saying lies, to sugarcoat the reality we see from the reality you want to see. I thought you’d make the better president. I gladly went to the street in January of 2001 to oust a corrupt, drunken president. Maybe it was a premonition that I slept through your oath-taking, too tired from the activities of the previous night’s vigil for justice. Maybe so I can pat my self on the back to say I had nothing to do with your getting the presidency then. I am proud to say that I never voted for you. Even during the farce of your election in 2004. The election you say you won.
You were never hungry. You may have missed a meal, but not out of poverty. Maybe overworking (the best excuse you could have, and I could accept, not knowing though what you’re overworking on). Maybe out of too much work to do because, let’s face it fake or not, you are the president. Or at least, you’re the one in Malacanang. But to say that your “hunger” is on the same level of hunger the Filipinos experience is a joke. Your hunger is but an ant’s bite to the gnawing pain the poor of this country experience. Do not attempt to understand anything and say things that would only show how truly detached you are to the plight of your countrymen.
Cut the crap and accept the realities of life. The Philippines you’re running is hungry. For food. For justice. For truth. And you’ve been squeezing out even the last vestiges of the pride we’re hanging on for dear life with your lies. Stop the ass-saving. Stop the pretences. We don’t need excuses. Most of all, it doesn’t help the situation when the president says she’s gone hungry too. It’s an abomination. A humiliation. An embarrassment to have a president who’s so thick faced that the only retort she can come up with is to disgrace the poor with her thoughtlessness. Shame us no more. Shame us no more. 23march2007

Joyful Joyful Love in Lent

2007-03-21T20:33:00.000+08:00

We were thinking of another encore song just in case the crowd goes “MORE!!” a second time after the concert. We were going for another upbeat song, and the Love Medley came up. one of us said we can’t sing that because it’s Lent, and I retorted, but Lent IS about LOVE! And she laughed.

It’s true. The overall feeling during Lent is one of sadness. More than the emotions carried on by reflecting or meditating, it’s an easier thing to channel in sadness than reflection. Why is it that we try to curtail happiness and joy during this season? Why does being solemn almost always mean silence, seriousness and sadness?

No, I don’t want to be all happy and giggly and jubilant all throughout the season. I know I have to save some for Easter. Nor do I rejoice in Jesus’ pain. I cringe at the thought, and I have cried over it too. I do not mean to say that crying over it once has already saved me from giving much thought in that focus of LENT. Not at all. I just want to emphasize the fact that the great celebration of life and love that this season of Lent highlights is sometimes dimmed by our fears and inhibitions. We think that just because this season ends in Christ’s death, we should look at that as the focus of everything. The reason Christ died, why we are here now, and why we have to be reminded every year of our own sins, is because of HIS GREAT LOVE. We are shamed because we do not deserve this love, that’s why we feel sorrow. But He did not die to shame us. He wants us to believe that He went through the pain of death because He wants us to be happy. Let our tears flow, but more so because of gratitude and happiness that our God loves us so much and we shall never feel alone or abandoned ever again.

I would not attempt to speak for everyone, but I know I am not the only one in the world to feel happy doing something extra during the season of Lent. My little sacrifices make me feel… liberated. It’s a wonderful feeling of “I am bigger than this suffering and nothing or no one can stop me from doing this sacrifice.” Even if no one knew what you were doing, you can’t help but smile because of your daily triumph of fulfilling your self-imposed sacrifice. Works of charity… a dent in your savings? Most especially if your savings meant your daily ration. Doesn’t it give you that extra feeling of joy that instead of doing this for yourself, you’ve offered help to a more needy person? There’s pain, but the greater feeling there is joy. An overwhelming feeling of satisfaction.

I don’t think God wanted us to spend 40 days in shame, sorrow or pain. I don’t even think He wants us to stop a reason to laugh and be merry. I know that Lent is a season for quiet reflection, and I am actually thankful for this time to settle down my flurry of emotions to focus on what God has done for me 2000 years ago, and continued in my own life time of 26 years. But my quiet reflection brings me a surge of happiness that I want to sing, shout and dance! To glorify Him! to tell the world of the great love of my God-though crucified and frail on the cross. That image continues to bring me down to my knees. But I can see Him looking down at me, smiling. What greater reason is there then do I seek that would stop me from jumping up again and embracing this Lord that continues to supply me strength even in His last breath?

The whole reason I feel jubilant is because I know Lent does not culminate in the last of 7 last words “It is done.” It, for me, may mean IT has happened. The death that enveloped my Lord. and yet IT is NOT DONE! The LOVE of my Lord who rose after 3 days. I know of this story. It is no myth. No legend. If I lived in His time, I would have sulked endlessly til I see Him again. but I live in this century. And I know the story of His Love that did not end in death but continued on to His glorious resurrection and still continues to TODAY.
There is no reason to forget our sins and blindly think to continue sinning anyway we have a merciful God. The reason to celebrate is not in the callousness and indifference but in the acceptance of our need for salvation. It is only in this realization and acceptance of our need for His Love that we can really be saved. This liberating feeling to see that we are not alone and have never been alone. And that the joy that we now feel brings us to sharing a love we never knew we had. That is the miracle of Lent. That is no reason to sulk about. Rejoice then. Be ever joyful. Be ever loving. 9march2007

Spiriting Away

2007-03-21T20:18:00.000+08:00

There are two instances in the news that I’ve heard of government officials (of the present administration) doing their “business” in the dead of night when the rest of the watching public (especially the media) are asleep. The first one was when they transferred Lance Corporal Smith from a Makati City jail to the US embassy. The second one, more recently, was when they tried to fly (by private jet no less!) Satur Ocampo to Leyte.

It is in a way the government telling us that no matter how strong the opposition against their pursuits, they can get away with anything. By the time we discover what they’ve done we’re just left too surprised to react. We have only our words when they’ve already gotten away with doing what they want.

How sneaky can a government get? We’ve been cheated in the elections. We’ve been robbed of our taxes. We’ve been duped in court. We’ve been shamed in international polls. How can we fully trust those who are running for government posts? How can we believe their platforms? How can we vote this coming elections and say that our votes and voices will matter?

It’s sad though that people who have a little bit of power in this country are the ones who won’t go to the precincts this May. Those who do not have to be paid to vote. Those who hold businesses and those who pay hundreds of taxes. Those who’ve graduated from top universities and now hold top positions in multinational companies that feed the economy. Why are they trying to bow out of a fight that they once fought in EDSA?

Maybe because EDSA has lost its meaning after several attempts of taking down the pseudo-president who has a death-grip on the seat of power. Maybe because they felt there’s nothing more they can do but focus on what they do best-work. maybe because they are the ones who can leave the country in an instant, and never again look back.

When you read the news and you feel like shouting at the top of your lungs… what does it achieve? I read the news, how over and over again the Palace releases those not-well-thought of statements, I wonder how in the world we can survive under such a government. They react to everything, and always defensively. Always trying to blame someone else. And then they try to recant with motherhood statements they think would soften their appearance to the reading public.

We’re trapped in a government (for we are part of it) that stinks of the tyranny of power-hungry, self-preserving idiots. We sit in complacency because we are too tired to fight and we wait for a hero who could reignite the fire of our love for freedom and faith in democracy.

The fear is that the people who could be our heroes are a dying race. We are the only ones left. Are we going to rot n this hell too? Why can’t our lazy asses, for once, stand up and fight against the corruption of our beloved country? why can’t we stand against the fools who’ve deceived us and reclaim the power for the Filipino people. Those who sit in their seats of power and think that they are indestructible should rethink. They are no longer Filipinos to us. They are ghosts of our terrible past and present. They have no place in this great country’s future. 21march2007

oh what a confusion

2007-03-18T12:46:00.000+08:00

i was out of town this weekend with my office department (only 3 of us ) plus two officemates from another department to do a bit of planning and schedule plotting for the year. after a late Friday night watching a Korean TV series in DVD, i packed my things for the weekend, just a small backpack of essentials plus a notebook of inputs for the planning ahead. just a day or two before, i was planning on biatching my way through the meeting. i got pissed off at something in the office and was more than determined to hasten my resignation. i wanted to appear as uncaring as possible, to detach and to let them know that i had little to contribute to the group.

oh but the world has a way of making you forget.

i woke up early at around 5 a.m. for a 6a.m. meet-up with my two friends before we meet up with the bosses. i was done at around 5.30 a.m. and even had a quick pancakes-and-hot choco breakfast at mcdonalds. it was humid yesterday but i was wearing my cardigan. there were beads of sweat on my forehead and i felt even hotter with the hot choco i had in hand. our ride came at around 6.30 a.m. but, amazingly, i wasn't pissed off. despite the heat and the delay, i was off to have a good mood and a good day.

we met up with the rest of the group at around 7.15 a.m. and was off for a 1-hour and a half trip to our destination. the zigzagging road was marked with peals of laughter as we talked excitedly about the trip. we weren't talking about work but all kinds of stuff that popped inside our head. it seemed like the trip took forever but we didn't mind. we were having a good time.

we arrived at around 8 a.m. in punta de fabian, up a steep driveway to the parking lot. the resort was beautiful with a scenic view of (i believe) taal lake. we got of the pick-up truck and immediately the resort personnel were there to help us with our bags and lead us to the dining hall. we had a too early morning snack though because by 11 a.m. we were already hungry for lunch! but well, we were too excited then to say no to a tasty treat of pasta bolognese and toast (no garlic or butter though). we were led to our rooms which were, except for a faulty doorknob, was actually quite ok. there were some very important misses though: no phone lines, no cable and the bathroom can get very slippery because the part of the toilet was not elevated enought from the shower area. the doorknob, which came off when we pulled at it and then had a faulty key, was fixed immediately by the staff. if we had an emergency though, it would be hard to contact anyone in the area because we had no phone line or intercom. the resort had villas and lofts around the pool area to the back of the lot instead of a one big hotel-type kind of living quarters.

it was too humid for us to stay out so we were cooped up most of the time in our room, doing the planning. we went out for breaks (lunch, p.m. snacks and dinner) at the dining area near the pool. by the afternoon (after snacks) we found a cozy area near one of the lofts and it was already breezy by that time. it was peaceful and quiet, and if not for our silly ghost stories, we would have stayed there longer. we had dinner at around 7.30pm. a feast of grilled fish and pork and a salad of eggplant, tomatoes, onions, green mangoes and shrimp paste. YUM!

we were able to accomplish our agenda (from establishing a mission-vision for our team to settling our work plans) so we were able to just while away the rest of the night chatting, laughing and scaring each other til around 11 p.m. by the poolside. under the star-filled sky of rizal, we were able to relax and wind down before walking back to our rooms.

it was drizzling when we went out for breakfast today. it was humid but after a while the breeze came to soothe our sleep-deprived bones. a sign of a slower, quieter day.

i had my apprehensions about the weekend eversince our boss suggested of having it. because i know i had my mind set on leaving before the end of the year. i didn't want to be involved in something i may not even have to do anymore. but there i was... putting more than my 2 cents worth.

i knew from the beginning that this group is my only point of reference to work. i've had my off days with them. i guess more lately because i'm becoming more agitated about a change in my life. but lately too, more and more reasons would make it difficult for me to leave.

oh what a confusion of emotions. i don't want them to think i've deceived them into believing i am staying longer. but i didn't want to rush into saying things that are not yet even concrete. i hope that when THAT time comes, i can just ease into the changes. and that no ties will be marred by the decisions to be made.

giving in to sappiness

2007-03-13T23:06:00.000+08:00

I guess there must be something wrong when you start to cry over happy endings and feel angry over romantic movies. Maybe it’s the frustration. The feeling of desolation in the midst of fluttering eyelashes and misty-eyed silent communications. I guess there must be something amiss when I start trying to flood my surrounding with loud music, only to realize that all I have in my laptop are the sappy love songs that would only feed my loneliness.

I guess I’m beginning to deny the fact that I am lonely. That I feel there’s something missing when I watch those movies. That I feel there’s something lacking during long nights alone and I can’t find my sleep.

I want my Mr. Darcy. The one who can see me and love me for who I am. With all the scars, physical or no, flaws and even the skeletons in my closet. The Mr. Darcy who can come out of his usually comfortable seat walled away from the world only to pursue me. Or maybe, I can be that Darcy who would be willing to run around the world for my Elizabeth./24february2007

another year

2006-12-30T18:29:00.000+08:00

only 2 more days of 2006. this year was the "fastest" so far. and the fullest.
there's so much to be grateful for and so much i wish i could have done still.

there were tears, i admit. over petty things and big things. those that i look back to with pain in my heart. but things i accept as important parts of life as well. maybe i should have been stronger or more confident, less proud, more giving.

the year's been a year of opportunities to open my self more. like to try again something i left behind 5 years ago. or to test the limits of what i can do. try new things i thought i would never do or do again.

this year i was able to go places and to learn to love traveling more. i knew i loved doing it, but now i know it's something i want to do more often. if time and resources permit, it's something i would love to do full time! now, how can i survive and earn on that... i have not figured that out yet.

i'm looking forward to changes next year... career maybe? life goals? my own view on things and people. a new eye for adventure, experiences, people and life in general.

i'm excited for the year to come!
happy new year!

a prayer this season. (being the good alterego)

2006-11-21T19:21:00.000+08:00

when was the last time i was silent
when was the last time i spent time with my sister
when was the last time i sat down with a friend over dinner
when was the last time i listened...

christmastime.

i don't want to lose this season to festivities and color.
and to the often confusing decors of santa claus and elves.

may my christmastime be a quiet time of joyful peace with You Lord.
in the presence of those who truly matter to me.
Your presence in the world--my friends and family.

giving in to sadness

2006-11-04T13:26:00.000+08:00

it gets a little frustrating... when you just have to accept that there's so much you cannot control. and when even in the process of doing something you love, you still get hurt.

maybe it gets a little too tiring for some of my friends, even my sister, to listen to me whine about my "technology woes", how i refuse to be consoled and how i always dampen hopes. it just happened that i've invested so much in what i am doing right now that it pains me to see that not everything's going well. that even though i feel like i'm "where i'm supposed to be", not everything's falling into place. it's depressing to not see that everything's working out. much like how things are "happening" to everyone else.

i end up asking if "is this it?" or doubt my capabilities. or ask why the world seems to disagree with me. i try to be as wholehearted as i can, pouring heart and soul into what i'm doing but something happens and i end up being hurt. deeply. like i'm being challenged. and i ask why i should be challenged... am i not "taking the big leap" with this? am i not testing my limits, stretching myself as it is? why the extra pain?

so... to my friends, my sister, my family whom i've somehow pulled down with me in my depression bouts... it's just me giving in to the sadness. a momentary lapse, just to pick myself up again. NO giving up. just allowing myself that temporary vulnerability. i know i can't have it all, i know i can't be all... i know that too much happiness can blur my senses into believing i can do it on my own. so i guess... just let me give in to this once in a while. i need it too...

happily tired

2006-10-15T14:56:00.000+08:00

i've never been this busy my whole life. i've cried a little (ok... alot) and i've stared for seconds out of exhaustion. i've even done stupid things because i've been moving like a robot these past few days (put conditioner on my face and facial wash on my toothbrush). they say when you've missed sleep for days, your brain stops for a second to compensate. how scientific? how scary.

i can't believe though that a week has passed and that although i'm physically exhausted and emotionally unprepared for such overloading... i'm happy. deep inside i know i want what i'm doing. despite the few times i've said i'm confused and all... right now, after much thinking, i realize that this is the busyness i want.

i'm just glad things are working well.

but of course, i still look forward to restful sleeps at night. one more week to go and i think i'll have that again.

Un-griping

2006-08-12T22:47:00.000+08:00

I moment to gripe… NO MORE.

I know I’ve been doing that most of the time. But I guess it’s time to turn a new leaf. At least for a while, when I can, just so there’s not so much negativity surrounding me.

So I’m no longer griping… about the insufficiency in the country. The corruption in the government. the insensitivity of the people in power. The dependency of the powerless. The apparent and maybe the unintentional painful betrayal of friends. The pettiness of the youth. The boredom. The monotony. The lackluster life. The slow-moving life as against the fast-revolving world.

I’m no longer griping. J

I’m trying to refocus. Rechannel. Thinking zen. Zeeeeeeeeeeeeeen.

I don't have a clue

2006-08-12T22:44:00.000+08:00

I don’t understand how it can happen everytime. We try to stir clear of things we “hated” because we can’t believe other people did them, were stupid enough to think that something good would come out of it. but here we are again. the difference now is that one of us has become the “stupid” one to make the same “mistake”. It just confuses me how this could happen. When we talked about it before, it was like the stupidest thing that could ever happen. But now, for you, it turned out to be the most logical illogical choice ever. So me being me, without changing what I believe in, without retracting my points of view… but becoming the minority amidst the majority of those who’ve decided that the “mistakes” we see from the outside are actually “quite right” as involved parties… me being me, am I the stupid one now?

I had this talk with my sister. I was trying in vain to see through the current events of our lives. It’s like the past replaying itself in my present. I’ve never been one to confront people, so most of the time the feelings are just lodged inside of me. it’s an overwhelming combination of disappointment, disillusionment, sadness, betrayal…. Feelings that I’ve tried to heal from when I had “episodes” with friends in my past. I’ve been so used to just shunning people out of my life. It was hard because I had to go through cycles of pain, anger and sadness. But it has become an easy “solution” to getting away from people who just seem too different.

I’ve always tried to make good relationships. Do much for the beloved friend. Sacrifice a few personal time for a friend in need. I know I was loved in return. We had a few good laughs, some very intimate sharing, a lot of quality time. But what constitutes the end of a relationship? I do not want to always have to close my heart to people who disappoint me. I know I am no authority—especially when it comes to “things” I may see black and white but only because I’ve always been just an outsider.

But it’s a painful thing to see that I have to stretch myself to embrace the ever-changing people in my circle even if I remain constant. I become the odd one out because I stay the same me. and yet people expect me to be the one to adjust, the one to “understand”, BECAUSE I “do not know” what they are going through.

Since they know what’s happening, and apparently I DON’T (on whose terms?), why can’t they adjust? Why can’t they explain to me? instead of just expecting that things are just ok and “as is” when actually nothing’s the same anymore. 08/10/06

The story of my life... (??)

2006-08-09T18:12:00.000+08:00

It’s weird that I actually try to push you away from my mind. Because I know it’s silly. It’s always silly.

It was a bit easier before when I only had memories of you. It was easy for me to declare to myself one day that it’s over, I’m over you. It was easy for me to say you don’t have any effect on me anymore.

And then here you are again. Messing with my already, supposedly, made up mind. I was already doing fine, corresponding from a distance. Fine with just cyberspace between us. It was personal and yet not intimate. I was fine with keeping our relationship at a safe distance from hoping.

Ah… but the face. The face on the being. Makes it more real. And more difficult to turn away from. I really have a very big problem. With myself. tendency to fall. To hope and fall, endlessly looking up while falling. Knowing I’m the only one who jumped and you’re left up there, probably with someone else.

Oh well. The story of life. 08/04/06

The little I know about friendship...

2006-08-09T18:09:00.001+08:00

The little I know about friendship:
It’s not about saying the same things. It’s disagreeing, even about everything, but learning to listen and accept differences as uniqueness. And that to listen, not just hear, especially when we admit (and we have to admit first!) we are being bullheaded.
It’s not about always being together. There may be a distance of one room or several oceans, and yet still feeling the closeness hasn’t changed.
It’s not always about sharing but also about separating. WE don’t lose ourselves by being in a relationship with another. We have our own needs to fulfill and in order to share, we have to have something to share first.
It’s about history. To have gone through many things together or apart and shared stories, involving the other in one’s life. Being part of another’s experiences even if it doesn’t physically involve you.
It’s about respecting that history. Knowing the depth of a relationship and how, even if it becomes obscure beside a new found love or career, it is that history that held you up to this moment to your new experiences.
It’s about remembering promises and keeping them. From “I’ll keep in touch” to the “I won’t betray you”.
It’s about talking and listening. But more of the latter.
It’s about silence. Companionship. When it doesn’t have to be noisy to be fun. Presence is enough.
It’s both about pettiness and seriousness. About joys and tears. Triumphs and trials. Dreams, wishes and risks.
Friendship is a whole lot of things between strangers becoming comrades. Not knowing why and when but happy that that it happened. It’s a whole lot in between but always based on trust. Always based on love.

Promises schromises

2006-08-09T18:09:00.000+08:00

We’ve talked about it, haven’t we? We agreed, and laughed on cue because we always think alike. We giggled at “what if” questions and answered as if the world depended on us. We laughed at the absurd images our questions conjured and at the impossible situations we created. The answers were different but the underlying facts were the same. We think alike. We agreed and made promises.

The circumstances then may have been light chit-chatting. But those light moments tend to be the honest ones. We open up, we let ourselves known to others. That’s when we learn about who this other person is. That’s when we let our guards down and lay out our cards. That’s when we either accept the other or realize that we are too different to become more than mere acquaintances.

During those light, honest moments, we talked about a lot of things. What we want, what would our choices be given certain situations. It sounded like we were firm on our choices then. I knew that when I shared my thoughts those were not just spur of the moment answers. It’s always clear cut from where I’m standing. And I know that when it comes to the time that these will be put to test, I will hold true to my word. I was hoping it was the same with the people around me.

It wasn’t a written contract but an understanding between friends. Supposedly a stronger bondage than whatever treaty there is between parties. It was an agreement based on trust and honesty, committing to something we know could either make or break a relationship when the time comes for choices.

It was clear cut. Up to now, it’s clear cut to me. But things are slowly changing. It’s a matter of many things important now for one fundamental thing—trust. Circumstances change and we know that the person who made that promise before is no longer the very same person faced with choices right now. And yet, who would make a promise to a friend without expecting to keep it? There’s no one word that can mend a broken promise. Not even a thousand words repeated over and over. No matter how small that promise may seem now juxtaposed to the bigger things happening in our lives. The fact is, it was made. And some if not all of those who were there making the promise were sincere about it. So the fact that answers easily change for some hurts a lot for those who’ve engraved it in stone not to break their share in the promise. It hurts that although we’re not bound to break our promise, we’re the ones who have to adjust and understand.

Friends remember. Things change. People come and go. Priorities may appear different now than before. But the fact that a promise was made remains.

I remember. Do you?
07/28/06

If something means this, then I'm happy with nothing.

2006-08-09T18:08:00.000+08:00

I know nothing about what’s going on. I would not pretend I do. But since it’s all still black and white to me, I try to say my piece.

I’d probably get the expected slap on the face retort—“You don’t know anything.” And I concede, I really don’t know anything about this. Probably will never do. So nothing’s changed with me, but something changed with you.

Whatever I said in the past as part of the building blocks of our friendship still holds true. Because nothing changed with me.

Now, if everytime things change, we change our minds and the rules, I have no idea where we’ll be headed. I have no idea if there’s ever going to be an end to what we want or need or demand or expect. Nothing at all.

So if I know nothing at least I can hold true to the promises I made based on the nothing that I am beside the now-something that you are. Don’t blame me for not changing. I’m not blaming you. But don’t expect me to be happy about it. 07/28/06

Get a move on!!!

2006-08-09T18:07:00.000+08:00

I say it’s time to move on. To close the book of trilogy and move to a spinoff of just one character. To say good bye to Friends and move on to Joey. To leave New York and move to LA. To break out from the boy band and go solo. It’s time to move on.

Why?

It could be as simple as—because this is the time. You just know that it is. There’s no explaining, no questioning. You just know and you have to follow what it tells you to do.

It could be that things are changing around you and you’re just not ready to be part of that change.

It could be that the changes in my life are not completely in sync with the rest of the world. The changes I’ve welcomed are completely different from what’s happening to other people’s lives. And I can’t appear concerned with what the rest of them are going through when I have my own concerns to deal with. It’s not being selfish. It’s just that I can’t be big enough to try to understand, give time, and be emotionally involved in what others are experiencing. It is selfish. Because right now, I just couldn’t care enough to listen.

It could be as simple as space. With so much going on, the only time for rest and peace and quiet is very important. And to have to delay that when it shouldn’t be is absolutely… annoying. Respect for sanctuary—it’s a universal understanding.

Questions to the Nation Address

2006-08-09T18:05:00.000+08:00

It’s embarrassing. Humiliating. No, not to the foreigners whom we’ve asked our citizens to hitch a ride with. Not the foreign bodies who promised to charter planes for our own citizens. But to our OWN citizens, the OFWs we failed to protect and provide for when it was their turn to ask help from us.

It’s old news—our country survives on the millions remitted by these overseas workers who toil night and day abroad. It’s old news but the meaning never diminishes. The OFWs sacrificed the comfort of their homes and the warmth of love with their families to live in strange places and even stranger employees. They were feeding babies not of their own instead of watch their own children grow up. They were taking care of other people’s elderly instead of their own aging parents. They braved the unknown to feed their families and in the process feed the Philippine economy as well. We called them heroes but they didn’t get that treatment when they wanted to return home.

Where are the millions they’ve remitted to the Philippines?

GMA, the lady in Malacañang, said WE NOW HAVE THE MONEY in her address to the nation. She received thundering applause. She repeated that over and over. Over and over until even I almost started believing her. It was hypnotic. But why is it that we DO NOT HAVE enough money to save our own citizens at the brink of death? Our own citizens who are probably major sources of the FUNDS the government’s been siphoning into projects that can bear their (the government’s) name?

How can we tell our OFWs to hitch a ride while announcing plans to create roads to connect islands? We can’t even bring our own citizens home! How can we tell them to pack and go when there’s no one to bring them home? How can we always expect other countries to help out (but thank God for those who continue to heed our cries!) when we can’t help ourselves? How can you, GMA, say we have funds for so many other things when Filipinos out there are waiting to be rescued? Life above all. Please.

It’s true what Conrado de Quiroz observed. Other countries that don’t depend on their remittances didn’t have second thoughts to send chartered planes or ships to get their citizens out of harm’s way. They did that out of the sole reason that these people are their citizens. Citizens who might be out there as expats or even as tourists. We, on the other hand, owe MUCH to our own citizens in the Middle East. They flew out of a country that can’t provide for them and in the end saved that same country through their sweat and tears. We owe much to our citizens and with what do we show our gratitude? A measly amount out of the billions they remit yearly. We need to see that this country can truly be called home. A safe refuge. The reliable one-phone-call of a friend in need.

It’s pathetic really. We kid ourselves by believing that we’re faring well. We can’t be bombarded by graphic figures and tables because we only understand the tangible and the sensible. We only know we are OK when we feel OK. If we can’t work out the knots of our immediate needs, how can we completely believe that we can push through with the long-term? It is good that we look ahead but not while overlooking what needs to be addressed NOW. We don’t need eloquence, we need action.

We’re being bombarded with untruths by someone who can’t play by the rules. We’re being made to believe we’re great by someone who stooped low and cheated. We are a great nation, a great people! But not by the standards of those who’ve tarnished our country with greed and pride. How can we, great Filipinos that we are, let ourselves be treated this way? How can we stand this humiliation? We’re not hitchhikers or free riders. We’re not leeches. My gosh… we’re not fools. 07/27/06

Fear

2006-07-22T13:39:00.000+08:00

War and terrorism. Crimes and human rights violations. Pride. Heat waves and cold fronts. Disintegrating ecosystems and shrinking animal and plant species. Global warming. Earthquakes and tsunamis. Volcanic eruptions. Typhoons and hurricanes. Natural disasters.

What’s happening to the world?
Where are we going?

It’s no use denying that our individual acts do not contribute to the big, global issues we are facing today. Indifference may be the biggest crime we can commit to a world that cries out for affection and caring.

Why is it that the more we declare that we’re building bridges through alliances and trade, we are becoming a more conflicted world—separated by greed and pride? We claim to know of each other’s cultures by our education and the technologies that provide a platform for sharing and exchange. And yet, here we are… bombarded by things that separate us from each other. We claim to have gone beyond borders but still see in terms of color, gender and ethnicity.

I have yet to look through my conflicting thoughts on my own country’s problems—the ever-“enthralling” political drama. I feel a disconnection to the world as I sit down on this desk, working (or not) while so many things are happening. How can sitting here be of any help? How can the current directions I’ve taken be of any assistance to the situation out there?

In constant fear. For there is a clear physical effect that these situations have—on me or on the rest of humanity. More so, however, for there is UNCLEAR connection between my life and the mission I should be taking. The uncertainty of my role in this world. The apparent need or lack of need for what I know I can offer. So what then is there for me to do?

A date with friends

2006-07-22T12:51:00.000+08:00

Tuesday—we had an impromptu lunch out in the office. To the famous but “secret” quaint mini-restaurant just across the street—Casita de Viman. It took a while before our food was served but we distracted ourselves with picture taking all over the quite small venue. We were lucky though because we were the only group there. We had time and the place to ourselves. We had a chance to do whatever we wanted. And we did. So Kleng had a tryst with a ceramic chef. I ironed my clothes while wearing them. Pearl went ala-Rizal and read a book under a mini lamp (which wasn’t working). Pau served tea with a mini tea set. Jack wrapped a shawl on her shoulders and posed as a high-class shopper. Bambi tried out the merchandise all at the same time. Izza had feathers covering her eyes for Mardi Gras effects. And, Reezy stood as a de-masked masquerade ball party-goer. Our lunch of chicken in a pot, grilled chops, rosemary chicken and beef salpicao—plus extra rice servings!--was a success.

Our own little party of pictures and scrumptious food was a temporary reprieve from the monotony of work. But the hour-short lunch break was too short, as breaks from work always are. With heavy hearts, and apparent heavy tummys, we strode back to the office. But with big, toothy grins on our faces. Obviously very satisfied and happy with the short but wonderful lunch out with the girls. Another day almost over.

NAIMA

2006-07-15T14:32:00.000+08:00

On episode 9 of America’s Next Top Model, Cycle 4, Tyra said some very tough words to someone who was actually doing really good in the whole competition. She was a natural—posed and emoted well, had a certain aura of “uniqueness”. But Tyra told her that at night, thinking about the girls, she forgot someone and can’t remember who she left out—realizing afterwards that it was Naima. Because her personality just doesn’t pop. She said Naima should bring out more her personality to get noticed.

And it struck me. Somehow, it’s a fear, a real fear, that most of us don’t even recognize. To not make a mark. To be forgotten. For people not to have the slightest memory of who we were. For people not to care that they’ve forgotten us.

I watched the episodes of the show and for me Naima was the best of the pack (apparently she IS because she ended up winning the contest). But doing well in every challenge, I realized, didn’t necessarily mean that she was on top of the game. Apparently, she wasn’t one who people remembered. It’s true that she registered well on her photos and was always praised for it during judgment time, but during those in-betweens, you’re really wonder where she is or who she really is.

I often wondered about that too. I’ve kept myself always right smack in the middle—being good but not naïve, trying out new things but not a risk-taker…. It’s not the kind of personality that people would remember. I don’t know what part of me would stand out, enough for people to remember me and take notice of me.

I may be good at everything, but being a Jack (or Jane) of all trades makes me a master of none. And it’s a sad thought, really. To only be in the crowd of grays and not being able to stand out.

I may make the cut when there are others still in the running. But when there are just 2 or 3 left, what would make me the best choice? What would make me Naima… one who has transcended the dreary averageness of OK into the exhilarating and fascinating beauty of being on TOP?

Lunch. NOW!

2006-07-15T14:31:00.000+08:00

So, it’s Friday. We thought, why not give ourselves a treat and order food from a good fast food joint (still can’t go out, what with the rain and all, for a decent restaurant)? So we gathered the orders and at 11a.m. called in Chef d’Angelo for delivery of our pizza-pasta helpings for the week.

I usually don’t eat with my officemates but decided to join them this time. I was looking forward to a lively lunch time with the girls.

And then 12 noon came. Then 12:45… still the food hasn’t arrived. The people are getting pale out of hunger and a little bit restless. At first, everyone’s patient—the delivery boy might have been stuck in traffic or he might have had to delivery a few others before ours. Bit 1 p.m. came and we still didn’t have food. We were laughing it mostly but in the end we were just a little bit pissed off.

I remember (hearing from friends here) that deliveries from Chef have always been late. And this was no exception. Worst even, because it’s been nearly 2 hours of waiting. They’ve called the joint, demanded explanation and a solution. Our food was finally delivered at 2 p.m. They planned on holding a argument with the delivery boy, but instead, they were only able to ask a mild, “What took you so long?” at the obviously shaking, frail-looking boy in front of them.

After waiting 2 hours, we finished our food in less than 30 minutes, even in between stories and jibes at one another and the misadventures of the morning. Was it worth waiting for? Anything tastes good when one is hungry. Indeed, this was a very satisfying, albeit very late, meal.

Please stop.

2006-07-15T14:29:00.000+08:00

I knew little of politics but not one Filipino can really be apolitical, even the child that I was then. Presidential, senatorial, even just barangay elections were always a spectacle that one can’t help but be lured in. I was oblivious to the real facts of the political world but I was always amazed by the intrigue and the drama. I made my choices, took my side, even joined the political debates at the dinner table. I was enjoying the feel, the rush that I felt when we talked about politics.

Politics remains one of those things that I like talking about. Taking a side, hopefully the right one, bringing them up with friends and confirming my thoughts and stand on issues. Debating about it with others who think otherwise and seeing two sides of the coin. I fought with my schoolmates. Walked out of a class in defiance of a bordering-on-indifference stance that the school seemed to take… always too calculated, ending up too slow. We were on the brink of change, and while the rest of the country were out on the streets, we were waiting when to make up our minds. I was one of those who stood in front of the EDSA Shrine, up and down on my knees, practicing with the rest of the crowd how to avoid getting our heads blown off in case we get hosed down by water.

But I didn’t get to see the triumphant (it was how it felt then) change of times. After a grueling all-nighter on the streets, I slept most of the next day off… missing the pivotal swearing in of the new administration. I just saw everything in retrospect, on TV, including the almost-pitiful farewell of the beleaguered ex-president. Was it a sign that after fighting for the change in presidency, the President who takes the seat of power was one I shall defy now? I slept through her oath, maybe because it was better off I didn’t hear the nonsensical promises she won’t keep.

She used it more than enough times—she being the CHOSEN one, with Divine Providence putting her in office. I believe in Divine Providence. I believe in God choosing us for our missions in life and where it is that we are supposed to be headed. That He makes things work, even when we put ourselves in the most difficult situations by our choices.

What I can’t believe is that she’s been using Divine Providence as an excuse, even as a protective shield, that would somehow make her bullet-proof to criticism or unquestionable for her decisions. I am bothered by the fact that she thinks she’s been doing everything right and then creates a force field around her decisions by saying that she’s been put in office by God—for who would want to defy God’s anointed.

I have nothing against people having faith in God and knowing that God has a hand in everything they do. But I can’t help but be bothered that she continues to use this line to sugarcoat even her most obvious offences to the country. I am hurt by the fact that she can freely use God to her defense and think that everything else is un-godly. That everything else that seems in defiance of her plans are wrong and evil. We are not fooled.

How can I trust a president who can’t even show sincere emotion while saying sorry on national television and while admitting to a mistake that is obviously an abuse of power and violation of people’s trust? How can I trust a president who, instead of righting the questionable practices of the government she now leads, resorted to one-upping her opponents and did the wrong that only the most “trapo” of politicians would resort to?

She was put in office because she was the legal next option. On her second term, we don’t even know WHY. I didn’t vote for her and apparently so did majority of the Filipino people. Why was she there? Oh please, stop pulling the Almighty in your mess.

Maybe I’m not as informed as I should be but I’ve read news stories. I’ve heard street stories. I’ve tried to keep up with what’s happening to our country. What will I choose to believe when I see that there remain loopholes she and her minions continue to patch up with lame excuses? I see that they continue to pay-up “utang na loob”, ending up more indebted to godfathers instead of to the people, the voters who supposedly put her up in her second term.

There have been numerous “accidents” and outright killings. She opted to plaster the mouths of her executives—for fear of being sold out? Why are these people being prevented from speaking to the Senate committee? Why do they keep on taunting the opposition and then when people from their turf decide to speak up, they gag them?

The people as well as the military are restless. What are we missing here? While God has a hand in everything, we cannot blame Him for the misuse of our free will and tag His name on every mistake we make. We don’t need a president who’s always on the defensive—reacting to every bit of criticism, instead of proving them otherwise by her work. This is not all economics. The peso may be improving, or the GNP or GNP or a whole lot of other numbers. For one, the global economy has much to do with that so if the numbers improve—it’s not always about her doing an astounding job. Secondly, it’s not all her—it’s the expert backing she wisely chose to keep the economy rolling. Thirdly, the numbers don’t matter to the poor Filipino people who don’t need the excess baggage of political agenda. They’d bite into anything and it’s a pity that we should allow that. Why should we have citizens who’d stoop low to bribery just so they have enough to buy food for a day?

It’s senseless… embracing Divine Providence but shunning out the Church’s sincere statements that question and sometimes challenge her. Her supporters act as if they are always put on the limelight for wrong reasons, appealing to the pity of the people, hoping to be redeemed by achievements that do not have direct effects to the questions at hand.

So what if she’s wowed international audiences by her multi-lingual skills? So what if she’s changed her hairstyle since she got in office and now looks better in her couture dresses? So what if she can talk with foreign diplomats, presidents without fear of using up all her English?

The government, once an intriguing snow globe in my hands as a child, is now a painful almost senseless piece of extra skin. If we can get away with having none, I would be more than willing to do so. Maybe because I am more attuned now to the happenings at the political arena, I am more out-of-tune with the rest of my life. Yes, every bit of hoolabaloo in the government can change the decisions I make in my life. What would be my future be? How much would companies be willing to pay me with a weak economy and hardly trusted government? Am I willing to continue betting my chances on an almost hopeless country? (I say almost because I am still a Filipino and I love my country.)

I want to serve my country. And if that means defying a most capable president because she’s incompetent in what matters most, then so be it. If I should walk miles again, in protest and in honor of those who’ve led brave lives against the tyranny of the power-hungry, I shall do so again.

But she’s one lucky little girl. She’s lucky, and we’re not, that the opposition may seem to have led a united stand against her (for what else have they to do as “oppositionists”) but remain divided as to the “end” they propose to the confused majority. We need a competent leader who cares more about the people than to keeping her ass pasted on the presidential chair. We need someone who’d be able to lead us against the tides and pull the country up to where it belongs—lauded for its talents, loved for its charisma, respected for its values. We don’t want a president who’ll be willing to sell us to the dogs just so she would appear strong beyond her meager size, guinea pigs to her endless delusions and illusions. We don’t want to be sent out there in the dark because she’s willing to sign every bill, treaty or deal that would put a stamp of approval on her resume. We need a leader who would love us, take care of us, think of us as children, not as tools. We expected this from the 2nd lady president of our country. She’s no where near being a woman except for her high-heeled shoes and couture dresses. She’s no where being a mom or grandmom except for the façade she shows in planted photo opportunities.

She’s a liar. A wordsmith. A schemer. Please stop. Stop her now.

Blogvolution

2006-07-15T14:28:00.000+08:00

I’ve never been one to have others read my work. I’ve always considered them as diary stuff—for my eyes only. Even if I have something to say about the world (or, at the least, my world). But lately I’ve been finding myself writing in the most public of public spaces—the world wide web—through my blogs. But there’s this kind of blog category my friend and I somewhat agree in making for ourselves. We still wanted to keep some sort of “anonymity” in the midst of publishing our thoughts on line. We publish under pseudonyms to an unknown audience. That kind as opposed to blogging about our lives on a site where our audience would most probably be friends and acquaintances and just most likely end up trying to best the latest adventure of another. I’d stick to writing as long as I get to write what I have to say without worrying if I have to talk about it with my friends outside my blogspace. It’s that I want this thing off my chest, let’s not talk about it face to face afterwards. It’s the kind of freedom and detachment the internet offers. It’s the kind that allows you to be out-in-the-open and still keep it personal and intimate.

It’s the space where I could be my real self—saying what I have to say, feeling that as soon as I press that PUBLISH button, I’ve already been heard, that I’ve already done my part. It’s where I can speak up because in the real world I am muted by my inhibitions, fears, what others might think, how others would react.

It may be a lonely world to not know where my voice was heard or if anyone cared at all. But to have let my fingers free, typing away my thoughts, letting my mind think what it has to think and my heart, feel what it has to feel, makes it the homiest place to be lonely in.

I like it the way this is. Where period means period. And I don’t get that awkward, nagging “why” questions. It just is. If there’s a follow-up, explanation or change of mind, the next blog would say it all. OR not. The audience will just have to wait.

Weaver

2006-07-15T14:25:00.000+08:00

I can’t seem to get away from the web I wove. The entanglement I caused on myself. The confusion of mixed emotions and complicated loyalties. The tangled web of reality and dreams. I am ever under scrutiny. In the spotlight I shunned once. The interrogation of friends, the doubt of family. The endless turn against myself. Created by the twists and turns of weavers. Weavers of tales. Of guilt. Of pity. Of fear.

Oh what a tangled web we weave. Within the world we let ourselves be absorbed in. A tangled web with strangers turned friends. Enemies turned confidantes. Friends turned traitors. Family turned competitors. Myself against myself. In an endless quest of worth. And ultimately, of the truth. In an endless journey and discovery. To happiness. To the end of the old. And the beginning of the new. To joy in death. And to wonder in new life.

still looking forward to going back...

2006-07-08T12:09:00.000+08:00

Marred by hurts, this trip to California was not the happiest. It sure was memorable though.

Most people called me “bato” (stone) before, jokingly of course, because I never cried. It was hard for me to cry. Even when I was very angry or at the height of emotions, when I already felt like I needed a good cry, I can’t. It hurt, but I trained myself to do that, stopping the tears from falling when I was being scolded as a kid or when I got hurt at play.

So it was a surprise when I was crying my eyes out, sobbing so softly, one late night at the house of my cousin. It was one day before our show and I was really worrying how I would look. How I would feel.

It was the loneliest time of the trip, ironically when I was with family. I missed the comforting words of my sister, the assurance of my mother and the strength of my father. I felt like I was between two huge slabs of stone, I didn’t know which side I should push away, which I should back up. I was crying, incessantly, for fear that I’ve come up short of expectations. I felt judged and misjudged.

To the clueless, I was doing ok, but some noticed the stress that the last leg of the tour was putting on me. It was tough trying to please everyone and ending up with nothing. It was tough trying to defend one to the other, trying to accept and trying so much to be believed. Failing and falling.

I’ve always known that mixing worlds is difficult. I’ve always tried to keep my worlds apart. I gave in just once. This one time. To the prodding of an eager relative, and in response to a call for help by friends. Not even as a favor for me. I tried to stop it, to forestall, at least, just so we had more time to think things through. It was beyond my power. And I guess… past is past. I have to move on.-10-14may2006

Twin cities?

2006-07-08T12:06:00.000+08:00

Not quite. But it felt like it was a Siamese, connected at the rib. New York and New Jersey. Where did one end and the other begin?

For a newcomer, it didn’t feel like two states. It was just like going from the suburbs into the city. Both had the charm of East Coast toughness and indifference. New Jersey was quiet and gloomy, New York was loud and bright—with neon lights. We slept at Jersey and gallivanted in New York. How can it be that we did one thing in Jersey and easily jumped to do another in New York, supposedly 2 states… two separate entities?

I didn’t get to know much of New Jersey. But I did get to appreciate its solitude (especially since we slept in a convent!) and comfort after the muck from New York subways doubled by the grime of New York apathy.

It was kind of surreal—New York, that is. Maybe because I only had all this conceptions (and misconceptions) of it through movies and TV shows. How sinister and unforgiving it can be. How dark and unfriendly. But it had its unique charm. I especially loved Central Park—indeed the oasis in the middle of a desert, the desert that was created by the lack of human emotion of the city. New York is the American snob. You can see how diverse the people are, even in the variety of interests that can be served in the city—art, technology, fashion, history, business…. Everything was there. But it was devoid of compassion that you can find in Central Park. The city is such an enigma. It was all out there, you know what it offers, and yet you can’t quite put into words what New York is. It’s overwhelming just thinking about it, to attempt to describe what New York is. It’s no wonder you can love it and at the same time hate it. To despise it and yet look forward to go back again.

Who cares about indifference? Who cares about the arrogance? I want to go back to New York. I know it’s a rich city and I’ve seen but a speck of what it has to offer. -3-9may2006

It’s a small world after all.

2006-07-08T12:04:00.000+08:00

Florida… you’d think I’d be excited to be stopping by Florida for the beaches. I’m not a beach-person. Florida had the attraction that could make me stop in my tracks, anytime… right in the heart of Orlando… the biggest of the happiest places on earth… DISNEYWORLD. BUT, Orlando proved to be the happiest place even outside the big world of Disney.

We didn’t go to as many places. One house to another, one shopping mall to outlet store to street mall—and I wasn’t a shopper. There was one stop at the beach and a day at Disney—tried to squeeze in 4 resorts in less than 12 hours—oh so little time. But I was happiest here. Probably because the few places we went to gave us time to really get to know our hosts. We ate meals together, went around together, played cards—or foozball for others—together, even sang videoke! It was fun, with peals of laughter highlighting each tiresome day.

There were even quiet conversations—sometimes, these seal friendships and close the gaps of built by differences. We shared stories, insights, ideas… there was time to really spend with these people who were strangers at first—friends in the end.

It was difficult to say goodbye. I found myself close to tears, saying goodbye to titos and titas who for 6 days were surrogate dads and moms. It was an easy transition from guest, to friend, to daughter among people who really showed their thoughtfulness and love for people they barely knew. But, more than as a daughter who needed constant care, I felt like the adult daughter who wanted to give something back—for it was time to take care of them. I would want to give back, attempt to achieve at least a pinch of that love they gave. Someday soon, in that magical kingdom of Orlando, I will go back… if I JUST BELIEVE.-26april-3may2006

Ch-ch-chilly Chicago.

2006-07-08T11:36:00.000+08:00

I thought 24 degrees Celsius was already cold. I didn’t expect I’d ever experience a below 0-degree weather! I was totally unprepared and even with the lent gloves and scarf, I was still shivering. And yet, Chicago was anything but cold. It’s on the top of the charts of my favorites! Truly a heart-warming memory….

It was a pretty exhausting first day and yet the fun wasn’t diminished.

I will remember Chicago for its wonderful metropolis; the friendship of a newfound “lolo”, photographer, writer and tourist guide, rolled into one; my high school best friend and her husband (so surreal just saying that!); tulips-abounding everywhere you look in Michigan Ave.; Millenium park; the cooold wind; Navy Pier; and the Art Institute. Among other things. What mattered most, of course, was having spent the discovery of such a wonderful city with friends. With best friends and newfound friends.

I could say that I fell in love with Chicago the moment I breathed in the Chicago air. It seemed fast-paced, but not unfriendly. I felt the richness of the city, in history, art, music and modernity. And yet it wasn’t a snob. You could get lost in it without feeling lost. You can be in awe of the beauty of buildings, flowers, even just by the people walking around, even the mundane, normal things seem new and interesting. To walk around in your own pace without worrying that people would bump into you to hasten your walk, or snicker at the “I’m a tourist” look on your face. You can carry a camera and take in the beauty of a world ready to pose for you. I would love to get lost in Chicago. Of course, while holding the hand of a loved one. To make the discovery a lot sweeter.-22-25april2006

Minnesota. Minneso-TAH!

2006-07-08T11:33:00.000+08:00

April 20th. More than 2 months ago. I can’t believe that it’s been that long. On that day, we landed in the chilly city of Minneapolis (or was it St. Paul? I actually I don’t know…). The city of a thousand lakes. For me, the city of a thousand sighs. It was quiet. Serene suburbia. Really had that feeling of safety. You could hear even the softest sighs. The roads were not congested. You could see mostly vans, family cars. The lawns were huge, the spaces were huge, the people… there weren’t a lot on the streets. You’d think that it would be more appropriate to put a Mall of America where there were more people. But, well, maybe that was the way to get people to go there. Or maybe that’s where all the people in Minneapolis are! Maybe. The buildings were huge too. They have two huge churches (at least, I saw 2)—St. Paul Cathedral and the Basilica of St. Mary—where it takes around 6 seconds for the echo to reverberate. Surreal.

I remember though that as the first city in our tour (not counting the 3 stop-overs we had where we only see the inside of the airports anyway), it was also the first city that proved how diverse the US can be. From the hustle and bustle in LA and Las Vegas that I got accustomed to from previous visits to the nation of the free, Minnesota showed the quiet side of America. The slow pace that the great country takes at times. The serenity of walking around a grand mall or in a sculpture garden. In the midst of sudden gushes wind and rain and sunshine. In the middle of bars that sound mostly like karaoke bars and chorale concerts. It was cold then, on the tail of winter about to give way to spring. But I felt the first warmth of Filipino hospitality in American tradition there. I sigh a thousand sighs for Minnesota. -19-21april2006

wait-listed...

2006-07-08T11:28:00.000+08:00

A whole lot of waiting. A whole lot of unknowns.

Today as in everyday, I wait. For I don’t know what. But I just wait.

It’s weird that sometimes we end up doing what we don’t want to do. My waterloo is waiting…. Patience is not one of my strongest virtues. But I’ve found myself waiting for various things. At some point in my waiting, I’ve been depressed, angry, stoic, eager, excited, scared, doubtful, strong, courageous. All sorts of things… anything but patient.

I would say that I’ve survived most of my waiting. I didn’t know what was coming. I didn’t expect to get what I wished for and more. I didn’t expect to fail and be given a NO in some others.

People say that God cannot be outdone in generosity. I believe that, more so now. He was both generous in answered prayers, gifts and WAIT-listings. I guess He was trying to teach me a thing or two about patience. I guess, I’m a bit more patient now, knowing that my timing may not have the same timing as God’s. And no matter how I feel that things are way too slow for me, actually they’re not. I’m doing pretty ok and God’s timing come out perfectly everytime.

I still get depressed at times. Sometimes for reasons I feel ashamed to admit because I’ve been getting breaks in my life (for the good) and I don’t think I should be complaining about anything. Sometimes I still get restless, because half of the time, all I do is wait. Especially since most of what I do are in the building-the-foundations stage. With work “in the way”, I don’t do anything most of the day. I stare at my PC, trying to make sense of 8-hours pretending to work while I cram the rest of my life in the evenings. I wake up unbelievably early (7 p.m. is early for a job of staring at a PC) for yawning and stretching on my office chair. Hiding between the small confinement called my workspace to write to myself and write about my dreams.

The unknowns remain. But I could be discovering it on double-time if not for the necessity of work. Oh what a tangled web we weave…27june2006

temporary farewell...

2006-07-08T11:19:00.000+08:00

i felt bad feeling depressed about a friend's good news. maybe a bit selfish... maybe a bit stupid. i know i should be jumping for joy with her. she so deserves this big break in her life. she deserves this welcome surprise... this wonderful wondeful change. but, the moment i learned about what's going to happen, i felt really sad.

partly because of that big possibility that 3 months may might as well turn to 1 year or even longer... it all came as a surprise that there wasn't anytime to prepare myself from the reality that i might not see her as often as we normally would see each other. some changes i've accepted lately in my life were somehow dependent on the fact that she will be there. but now... that little, important reason is gone. i'm supposed to be enjoying a big chunk of CHANGE in my life because i have a friend nearby... but...

then there was this sort of mindset that she's the friend who's ALWAYS around. no matter how seldom or often we see each other, or hear from her... she's always nearby. you know she's there. just there. and now...

somehow... it's a bit odd that she's far away now. really far away. and it feels really depressing.

there was this list in a magazine that says if you have these kinds of friends in your lifetime, you're a really lucky woman. one type of friend was "the one you can't wait to be a golden girl with". almost instantly, she's the one in mind.

i might be being so melodramatic. overthinking what could be just a bit of hurdle in time... but truly, i'm a bit depressed right now...

MJ you're already being missed. hope to see you real soon again. face to face or even just in cyberspace. -17june2006

trying once more

2006-06-18T13:48:00.000+08:00

long silences
empty promises

hopeful at goodbye
lonely with waiting

a time to get things going
a time to make things work

if only...
someone can hear me.